SAME CHAPTER

THAT DOESNT TAKE AWAY MY FEELINGS...HELL NOOOO.I`M STILL ANGRY.HOPE I`LL FEEL BETTER TOMORROW.OHHH...LARRY IS GOING TO WORK EARLY SUN;HE WONT BE GOING TO CHURCH.I`M THINKING WELL I`M NOT GOING EITHER...MY GUT TELLS ME TO GO WITHOUT HIM.HE DOESNT DIRECT MY PATH,JESUS DOES.

DISAPPOINTED

I`M SO UPSET, I GOT SO CAUGHT UP IN ALLOWING MY KIDS,HUSBAND,TO ABUSE ME,I ENDED UP ALLOWING MYSELF TO BE A VICTIM AGAIN. I WANT TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF FIRST BUT NO-ONE IS BEHAVING...HAHA! WHAT I AM LEARNING AT THIS POINT.....WHEN I SACRIFICE MYSELF,MY FOCUS IS ON THEM.IT`S IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO LOVE MYSELF FIRST.THEY BECOME FIRST.MY MOTIVE IS TO KEEP MY RECOVERY 1st.I CANT LOVE ANYONE,IF I DONT LOVE MYSELF.

THE REALIY

ITS BEEN ALONG DAY..I WENT TO AN OA MEETING.ONE OF THOSE NO MATTER WHAT THINGS.HOWEVER I WAS LATE.RESPONSIBILITY WAS ONE OFTHE THINGS PEOPLE SHARED.I`M STILL THINKING ABOUT IT.COMFORT ZONES BECOMING NOT A COMFORT ZONE ANYMORE.WHATS HOLDING ME BACK,FEAR OF TAKING ON NEW RESPON....BILLS,CHILDREN RELATIONSHIPS,HUSBAND.../FOCUSE CREEPING IN ON MY BODY IMAGE...KNOWING FULL WELL WHEN I DO THAT I`M NOT DOING RECOVERY.

FRUSTRATED

TODAY I AM IN PAIN.FRUSTRATED ABOUT NON-COMMUNICATION...LARRY....MY BODY IMAGE,CAN`T LOOK LIKE SUSAN LUCCI....HA..HA!JUST KIDDING.FOCUS ON MY BODY IS NOT GOOD.SINCE I AM RECOVERING FROM ED.CRAP I KNOW THE UNDERLYING ISSUES ARE RISING UP.

today

BEFORE I WENT TO WORK TODAY I PRAYED THE LORD WOULD FILL ME WITH HIS COMPASSION,LOVE, AND THE HOLY SPIRIT TO RISE UP IN ME WITH WISDOM,KNOWLEDGE....TO SERVE AS HE WANTS ME TOO.PEOPLE RESPONDED TO THE PATIENCE,KINDNESS.SINCERITY I DISPLAYED FOR EACH ONE THAT CAME THROUGH MY LINE.ALL ALONG I WAS PRAYING FOR EACH ONE.ALLAN JUST LOST HIS MOTHER IN-LAW,NICOLE WAS GRIEVING.I KNOW HOW HARD SHE WAS TRYING NOT TO CRY.ANYWAY IM SO TIRED I DONT WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE,NOT EVEN LISA.BYE

getting outside myself

I WONDER IS IT PRIDE THAT SOMETIMES MOTIVATES ME?SOME TIMES IT DOES.WRITING ON THE ED MESSAGE BOARD I TRY TO REACH OUT TO OTHERS,IF IT ENDS UP I AM THE ONE WHO IS DRAWING THE ATTENTION(ITS ALL ABOUT ME--+NOT THE MESSAGE)GETTING NO RESPONSE---PRIDE GETS IN THE WAY OF ME LOOKING FOR THE APPLAUSE.THAT ONLY SERVES DISAPPOINTMENT.WHEN I GREET THE LORD,WORSHIP,PRAISE,KNOWING HE IS IN ALL MY LIFE CIRCUMSTANCES AND DESTINY,BECOMING INTO THE PLACE WHERE HE IS--- ALL IS QUITE,I LISTEN TO WHAT THE SPIRIT IS SAYING......I CANT DESCRIBE THE SOUND,BUT THERE ABSOLUTELY EXISTS.IT S EVIDENCE BRINGS ME TO A PLACE WHERE I STAY CONNECTED TO HIM AND AM ABLE TO HANDEL LIFE FROM A DIFFERENT LIGHT,,,,IT GIVES ME LOVE,JOY,PEACE LONG SUFFERING,GOODNESS,GENTLENESS,MEEKNESS,FAITH,WOW!THATS THE FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT.ID RATHER HAVE THOSE ATTRIBUTES THAN BE FOCUSED ONLY ON MYSELF. LOVE BEV